Bit like losing a limb.

Ok. Imagine this. You spend around.. ten or eleven months with this one pair of shoes on. You got them in the sale, last possible pair, even had to be a little bit feisty with a couple of fellow customers to get your hands on them, and your friends are angry because you have the shoes they wanted. So to start with you are SO happy with these shoes, and you dont care that you wear them everysingle day, from the minute you wake up to when you go to sleep. After a little while the shoes hurt a bit, but you still dont take them off, because they're you're favourite and loveliest shoes, in these shoes you feel amazing, even if they pinch you a bit. A bit after, the shoes REALLY hurt you, give you like, a massive septic blister, but you simply cannot take the shoes off. The shoes dont care that you have other problems, like the fact that they just arent right for the occasion, and make you feel awkward in social situations, they just stay on your feet, regardless! You cannot take them off of your feet, they're just a part of you. So you accept the shoes as just being there, on your feet, rubbing occasionally. For a little while you realise how much you need the shoes, and really love having them there, enjoy the fact they're there. Then one day, whilst sortin gout a much bigger issue, you realise, 'what was I thinking, these are shoes, they're not ruling me.' Take the shoes off, and put them in the oxfam bag, for people at the shop to fight over.

I know I'm abusing metaphors like crazy here. But in the back and sometimes front of my mind for well, all of this year, has been this person. They dont know the half of what has happened this year, and I will never ever tell them. But yesterday it finally hit me, not the fact that I dont, and never have needed them ,as I had thought I did, because I knew that for a while, instead, I suddenly lost the ability to care at all. I wish them all the best, but honestly, whereas six months ago I would be panicking over how their life is going, now, I'll let it slide. I'll always care for them as a person, in the way that you care about the diminishing tiger population, or baby whales, you dont mind knowing how it's doing, but it doesnt really affect you. Therefore, I'm happy again. I may be burying myself in work to counterbalance the much more serious things going on that I really really do not want to think about, particularly now I dont have my person I feel able to talk to about them. It's been wierd at first, my head feels strangely level in a way that it hasnt been in a long time, and i've reverted to my old American beauty 'theonlypersonyoucanrelyonisyourself' theory. I know for a fact it's a better way to be, it's just odd to look at it all without someone to make a sarcastic comment about it.
I guess I'll be going barefoot, and walking a long long way.

No more metaphors from now on. I sound FAR too whiney.

Busy

Ok, haven't updated this for a long long time, which is odd, as over summer I did so very little, and now I'm back to being hugely busy I'm making time for this. Ah well. So things are busy with me, and I'm enjoying it, I'm in the final year of four Alevels, applying for English Literature at University and learning to drive, and working my weekends. It's hectic, but I'm burying myself, making like a work burrow for the winter. This time of year is worst, it's not quite winter, not still summer, I'm still fighting cracking out my boots. Last time I saw all my winter stuff was on my Parisian adventure, so clearly it's going to be most nostalgic. On a whim last week I cancelled my New York escapade, saving myself nearly a thousand pounds (panicking over uni) and losing myself a stateside experience for my repetoire. Still, I can do Glastonbury, Reading and the MOT on my car with the money saved. Admittedly it was a bit of a rash decision, but whatever, it's done now. I wont regret it later. I've been pretty ill lately, maybe a combination of six weeks cheap wine abuse, over anxiety over small issues and under anxiety over large issues, on top of a sudden reduction in sleep. It was only this month, waking up with an inexplainable horrible mood that I sat down and made a list of all that I need to do up until christmas. This put a lot into perspective. No, I may not be the biggest go-er outer in the world right now, that's because I'm working on a lot of things that I really want to suceed in. After getting my As results I figured out that I am actually quite clever, so this year Im not doing what I did before, spending the year worrying about what other people percieve, this year i'm in school for myself, to get into uni and get my four a's I'm so badly after. Because if I can get them it'll prove a lot.