Bit like losing a limb.

Ok. Imagine this. You spend around.. ten or eleven months with this one pair of shoes on. You got them in the sale, last possible pair, even had to be a little bit feisty with a couple of fellow customers to get your hands on them, and your friends are angry because you have the shoes they wanted. So to start with you are SO happy with these shoes, and you dont care that you wear them everysingle day, from the minute you wake up to when you go to sleep. After a little while the shoes hurt a bit, but you still dont take them off, because they're you're favourite and loveliest shoes, in these shoes you feel amazing, even if they pinch you a bit. A bit after, the shoes REALLY hurt you, give you like, a massive septic blister, but you simply cannot take the shoes off. The shoes dont care that you have other problems, like the fact that they just arent right for the occasion, and make you feel awkward in social situations, they just stay on your feet, regardless! You cannot take them off of your feet, they're just a part of you. So you accept the shoes as just being there, on your feet, rubbing occasionally. For a little while you realise how much you need the shoes, and really love having them there, enjoy the fact they're there. Then one day, whilst sortin gout a much bigger issue, you realise, 'what was I thinking, these are shoes, they're not ruling me.' Take the shoes off, and put them in the oxfam bag, for people at the shop to fight over.

I know I'm abusing metaphors like crazy here. But in the back and sometimes front of my mind for well, all of this year, has been this person. They dont know the half of what has happened this year, and I will never ever tell them. But yesterday it finally hit me, not the fact that I dont, and never have needed them ,as I had thought I did, because I knew that for a while, instead, I suddenly lost the ability to care at all. I wish them all the best, but honestly, whereas six months ago I would be panicking over how their life is going, now, I'll let it slide. I'll always care for them as a person, in the way that you care about the diminishing tiger population, or baby whales, you dont mind knowing how it's doing, but it doesnt really affect you. Therefore, I'm happy again. I may be burying myself in work to counterbalance the much more serious things going on that I really really do not want to think about, particularly now I dont have my person I feel able to talk to about them. It's been wierd at first, my head feels strangely level in a way that it hasnt been in a long time, and i've reverted to my old American beauty 'theonlypersonyoucanrelyonisyourself' theory. I know for a fact it's a better way to be, it's just odd to look at it all without someone to make a sarcastic comment about it.
I guess I'll be going barefoot, and walking a long long way.

No more metaphors from now on. I sound FAR too whiney.

Busy

Ok, haven't updated this for a long long time, which is odd, as over summer I did so very little, and now I'm back to being hugely busy I'm making time for this. Ah well. So things are busy with me, and I'm enjoying it, I'm in the final year of four Alevels, applying for English Literature at University and learning to drive, and working my weekends. It's hectic, but I'm burying myself, making like a work burrow for the winter. This time of year is worst, it's not quite winter, not still summer, I'm still fighting cracking out my boots. Last time I saw all my winter stuff was on my Parisian adventure, so clearly it's going to be most nostalgic. On a whim last week I cancelled my New York escapade, saving myself nearly a thousand pounds (panicking over uni) and losing myself a stateside experience for my repetoire. Still, I can do Glastonbury, Reading and the MOT on my car with the money saved. Admittedly it was a bit of a rash decision, but whatever, it's done now. I wont regret it later. I've been pretty ill lately, maybe a combination of six weeks cheap wine abuse, over anxiety over small issues and under anxiety over large issues, on top of a sudden reduction in sleep. It was only this month, waking up with an inexplainable horrible mood that I sat down and made a list of all that I need to do up until christmas. This put a lot into perspective. No, I may not be the biggest go-er outer in the world right now, that's because I'm working on a lot of things that I really want to suceed in. After getting my As results I figured out that I am actually quite clever, so this year Im not doing what I did before, spending the year worrying about what other people percieve, this year i'm in school for myself, to get into uni and get my four a's I'm so badly after. Because if I can get them it'll prove a lot.

The art of just going along with stuff

I've had a mental old time lately. This past year in particular. I turn 17 on Thursday, and that always makes me think of what I've done with my year, what I can say I did as a 16 year old. Truth is an awful awful lot. I've learnt a lot about (get ready for a cliche) myself. Decided whats important to me, made some huge mistakes, and paid for them, then realised not to dwell on things. Just recently, very recently in fact, last Sunday in fact, I decided that I'm just going to take life as it happens. There is no point in dwelling on things which might never happen. Life is short, as I've always said, but never really understood. Not going to lie, one of the biggest mistakes I made this year, is one of the things I now hold dearest. Sometimes stuff runs like that. Luckily I never make any huge decisions, even now the grudge that I promised myself I would hold a few blogs back, is pretty much gone, because I dont have the staying power to be angry with someone continually. Maybe it does make me a bit of a doormat, I heard lately that I have too much time for people, and I never have this returned. This didn't worry me, at all. If anything it makes me happy. If people know I have time for them, this is nice. It also means noone has noticed how infitely selfish I am. Because I am, shamelessly. Plus, Im very dependant on others. SO WHAT. this is how I am, I can't help it. I'm a lot better as a person now, than I ever was before, and Im happier! Once you learn that you can;t change yourself to make everyone happy, and you can't make everyone like you, it makes you happy! If you focus on being happy with yourself, others will be happy with you. It's a good place i'm in. A lovely place really. I have less close friends than ever now, I've invited an all time low of people to my birthday thing, but I'm happier with it! I have an elite set, people I really care about, and can be myself around. Also, people who will look after me when I'm so drunk I can't see. Beautiful. Happy birthday to me!

anonymous letters to important people, part 2

To you
You have changed me more than you'll ever know. Both for better and for worse. You will never realise the extent to which you have impacted my life and the way I am today. Luckily you are ignorant of this, because if you'd ever had an idea of how much you've changed teh person I could have been, You wouldnt be able to handle the guilt. But luckily, you are a selfabsorbed, arrogant, generally despicable person. The worst componant of this is the fact that I can never shake you off, never cut all contact. I'd love to, but being the person you are, me taking the right I have, and have been given through your actions, me deciding to cut you out would be seen as a selfish action. Which disgusts me. Noone understands the way in which you have shaken me. Not even the people who know me best, with the exception of one. All of my social relationships, friendships, relationships with anyone, have been affected by you. I don't know if I'll be able to know anyone without wanting to cling onto them the way you did to me. You taught me that was the way that relationships work, that is the way that you tell someone you love them. I am so very scared of ever telling anyone I love them, in serious context, because of the way you used the word as a weapon against me. You used 'love 'as an excuse to treat me vilely, punish me for not returning your obsessive behaviour, or behaving like a normal girl. Maybe someday you'll realise how you have ruined the person I could have been before. I blame nearly all of my problems on you. I disgust myself by feeling happy at your current situation, because it shows everyone the side to you that I knew, rebelled against and hated. Finally noone has your facade of friendly and intruiging person to hide you behind. I hope everypne realises that who you are now is not medical, it's who you have alway always been, only hidden. I hate how you weaseled your way into my life, and the gap you left is still gaping, because you taught me having you there was the only way for me to be. I hope one day I'll be able to tell you how much I hate you, But i know for a fact that it won't be before you do your final selfish act and take that oppurtunity from me too. I hope you look around at your family and realise what you've done to them. And then I want you to take a good hard look at me and notice how I have come out the stronger person. GUESS WHAT, I have got on with my life without you, I read books without you to tell me to, I listen to music without you giving it to me, I meet friends without you being there, I know that I look good without you telling me, I get good grades without you helping me. I hate the effort that you put into making yourself an unmissable part of me, you sicken me, and I know that you've done the same to others, my only hope now is that it's too late for you to do it to anyone else, and if I ever find that you have, I will take it personally.
This is the first time that I've written any of these feeligns down, and I should let you know it's made me cry, out of relief though, not out of sadness that I don't know you anymore.

anonymous letters to important people, part 1

To you
You have taught me everything I know, or rather everything I have ever needed to know. I have always been able to approach you in a way I can't do to anyone else. I can say what I mean to you, and you'll understand, no matter how much you dont want to hear what Im telling you. You have supported me the way that you were never supported. You've told me you love me even when I've given you cause to think otherwise. You have never stopped putting your head round my door to check I'm ok. You have let me make my own mistakes, and been there when I came crawling back. You've never been anything but completely honest with me, sometimes too honest. You made me listen to the best electro the world has produced, and only lately have I appreciated it. You gave me the cure, as in the band, and I'm forever grateful for that. You drove me to school on my first day of school, from primary through to sixth form. You've put up with me having tantrums then lovebites then hangovers. Lookign back you've only ever wanted to protect me from the bad things that I have thrown myself into. In every way that you can, you help me, even in times when you have even less of a clue than me. You listen to me, whether I have something to say, or not. And perhaps most importantly, you gave me your legs. Which I am forever grateful for. I may be verging on a grown up, but you'll always be the most infite source of wisdom and love to me, same as when I was little.
Love you.

Gaga.

I adore Lady Gaga. I.love.her. And this is no revelation. I got given her album, a scratched copy of it that is, by my dad a long long time ago,, bam, Im hooked. It's not just her music I rate though, at times, especially Telephone, is way way overrated. Awfully so, especially the video (product placement anyone?). But the fact that she is so SO outrageous, nothing worries her, costume or reputation wise (the whole hermadephorite thing? would have destroyed anyone else.). That post-it dress? Genius. She's in essence, lighting the way for sch broader horizons in what is acceptable, not only for performers, but dancers, designers, film makers, producers. She's pushing it all the time. I heard she made very little money from her tour due to the amount spent on performance. Thats a dedicated artist. Once she starts lowering her standards to make money, she'll have lost it. Admittedly some of her stuff rings of early Madonna wear, and the kermit the frog dress did seem a homage to Bjork's swan dress, at least to me, but through and through, she's very original. Also, she doesnt care who see's her at her craziest. Take the Royal variety show for example, she performed to the queen, wearing a cross between some sort of bondage outift, and an eighteenth century costume. And yet, genius. Somehow. So WHAT if some f her ideas are inspired by others, very few of anyones aren't. Fact is, she's doing what noone is brave enough to actually do, even if they thought of it. Katy Perry's like the watered down version of her, goes a little tiny bit crazy with her music videos, but just enough to make you go, 'what, what is she doing?' unlike Gaga, who baffles you so much that you just have to watch in awe really. The video for Alejandro is going on my list of favourite ones ever. Incredible, very late 80's madonna. But not. Basically, gaga gaga gaga. I love you. And anyone who can release their album three times and still get loads of sales, is a genius. Noone does it like gaga.
In other news, did a shoot today, will get pictures up as soon as the photogrpaher is happy :)

Get a daily Dayummm

Life is alright when you're Emily-claire. I have select but fabulous friends and future plans. However, there are always things that make life that extra bit nicer. Yesterday, wandering around in my £7 secretary dress from h+m at a philosophy debate (yes, I like arguing in context) I got a simultaneous 'dayummmmmm' from a group of 30 boys. Yes to Emily. On my walk to school most mornings, I get a beep or two from the white van brigade. I embrace it. I know it's probably something to do with my hemlines or the fact that i'm, well, pretty ample chested, however, to me, it's a free compliment from a stranger. When a friend tells me I look good, or have a nice body, yes, it's nice, but I always wonder how much of that comes with being a good friend. Somehow, when a complete stranger decides to tell you, that actually you look fabulous, or at least that they approve of what they see, that's somehow more genuine. All right, I must be sounding very much self absorbed now. So I'll go back up my point. Last year I went to Londres, as per usual, hit my festivals in Hackney, meandered round Camden, even hit the Olympia fashion trade show for a bit with work. Anyway, on several occasions, people came up to me, nearly all female, and complimented. On my dress, or my hair, or my look in general. In a big city like London, how good does that feel? I've gone from my tiny little historical city, to the big lights, and still im getting picked up for being fabulously dressed. The fact that I was wearing clothes that I made myself on all the occasions, taht was just the icing on the cake. So next time you see someone looking really really good, tell them. It might just make their day and they might even write a blog about it.

My first grudge

I am verging on 17, and have never ever ever held a grudge, or blanked someone. I think it's pointless. Havign gone to a girls school, of course I have been ignored, blanked, and had so many grudges held against me I have lost count. To me, it's important to tell someone that they have hurt or angered me, and then let it go. However, for the whole of my teenage life I have been plauged by the girl who is the English and non fictional embodiment of Regina George from Mean Girls. She's your friend one day, so that she can gain your accquaintances or some sort of benefit from beign nice to you, the next day she blanks you, and spreads all the dirt she can fabricate about you, or me shall we say. I like to think of myself as forgiving, i think life's too short. However, Regina (excellent code name I think) makes me feel physically sick. Her treatment of myself has no effect on me, I am used to it, her belittlement and bullying of everything I hold dear, yet clinging desperatley in times of noone else to talk to. What I cannot stand for is her constant bullying and bitching about people she does not have a clue about. Today I heard her say to the girl sat next to me 'I like your top, I was going to get it actually', then turn to the girl sat next to her, and audiably say 'That is the most hideous top I have ever ever seen.'. I can stand this type of petty behaviour from her, I'm cocky and up myself enough to bear it. However, for a less confident, shy, unsure of herself person like the girl today, this would be destroying. Just like when Regina chooses to point out people's physical defects, such as 'her arse is massive.' 'she has the most disgusting stretch marks'. So now, for the very first time in my life, I have refused to acknowledge an existence. Why waste my time on someone who will throw it back in my face and bitch about anything I did say to her? Emily, is rising above it. I am rising above the fact that she picks on weaker people, using their insecurities to feed her ego. I have never been one to let the poinions of people I don't care about sway me in any way. Which is just as well, because on a recent weekend at my dearest and oldest friend's house, she took great pleasure in ripping into a boy who is one of my best friends and once had a thing with me. Giving a reaction means she's won, so I say nothing in response to 'He's a hideous gay looking prick.' about someone she has never spoken to.
Rise.above.it.
And down with the Regina's of this world.

Accident and Emergency

This week, I've returned to one of my oldest favouritest artists, Patrick Wolf. At about thirteen, i heard his album Lycanthropy, and was hooked, mainly because I didnt have a CLUE what I was listening to. My Dad raised me on early eighties electro and new wave, which let me assure you, can be the wierdest, scariest thing for a little girl to listen to. Thta said, I had Tainted Love nailed before I could speak. Anyway, I heard Lycanthropy when I was having an emo phase, and despite having all the MCR and Aiden crap going on, I still managed to appreciate this genius first album. It's a mishmash of sounds and styles and genres, blew my mind. Patrick has a very diverse voice, his albums cover everything from electro and heavier sounding stuff, to really mellow piano and classical music. When I was about 15, some very bad things happened to me, mentally I was in the worst place I have ever been. I was still fighting a problem I have had since age 9, about three or four close family members had been diagnosed with cancer, and not just cancer, bad fucking cancer and my best friend was slipping into drug dependancy. A lot for a 15 year old, who's having a shit time of any situation, because, well, you're 15. Which sucks. In bad situations i rely on two things, 1) My Dad 2) The song Accident and Emergency by Patrcik Wolf. Listen to it. Or watch the video. It has lyrics that make me want to get over myself, which usually I do. Luckily, I got to kmeet Patrick, last year, at a festival. And if you were me, you would have had a little cry too. Luckily he's the nicest guy ever, so didnt mind. Also, he is incredible live. You have to see it to believe it.

Hello new blog

Basically, I got very sick of my last blog, so have a new one. Not because I disliked my old one, but because i grew out of it. I dont have a plan for this one, Just ranting I think, and the occasional good idea that comes my way. Feel disgusting today, overeaten and underworked. Also, my facebook feed is clogged with glastonbury pictures, which of course, due to my absolute need for a shopping spree the day before the tickets came out, I missed out again this year. Next year, I have promised myself. Heard Yann tiersen's playing Bristol in October this year, which excited me hugely. Also, my provisional drivers liscence came through today, I challenge anyone to have a bigger pout on their liscence than mine. Got lent Closley observed trains recently, very very cute film, onceyou get the subtitles on it, I don't speak czech, unfortunatley. Still, watch it.